After exhausting the library of Voyager episodes before tiring of the characters, I have moved further into geekdom and spent an embarrassing amount of time the last few days reading fan fiction. It always makes me feel like a loser when I take a step further into fandom. After all, people who become too consumed by one media product just turn into freaks (right?). I remember rolling my eyes whenever one of my outcast friends in high school would go on for hours about their love for The Rocky Horror Picture Show or Anime. And I used to groan in agony whenever my brother would force me to endure yet another visit to Starlog, his favorite comic book shop. I’d probably roll my eyes at me, too at this point.
What the hell do I mean by probably? I do roll my eyes at myself–whenever I do a google search or actually select a story to read, giving up the next few minutes (or hours) of my time to go deeper into an obsession with a TV show.
The feeling of embarrassment is only increased by the fact that the show in this particular case hasn’t been on television for seven years. The only thing more awkward than reading fanfic is to discover that the great story that you’ve been immersed in for the past few hours actually has no conclusion because the author had moved on to different interests or their real life suddenly demanded their attention. At this point, four to seven years later, the chance of them ever returning to finish their masterpiece is a theoretical impossibility along the lines of breaking the warp 10 barrier.
The thing is, I can’t bring myself to judge either the people who took the time and energy to create these stories (some of which show a good bit of skill) or myself for choosing to read them. Because the primary reason people immerse themselves in a show enough to create content based off of it (or to scour the internets for it) is the desire for connection.
I’ve always been big on connections. One of the big reasons I came to USC was to feel connected to something bigger than myself (maybe I’d never amount to anything truly amazing in my life, but at least I’d be able to say I went to the same school as some pretty cool people who did). But any kind of connection is great. Learning one of my floormates freshman year was actually the brother of a friend of my cousin: that’s just cool.
I’m not pretending I’m alone in my love for connecting. It’s the idea behind “surfing” the internet and Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. People love connections, and fandom is simply a way for people who connect in some way with a show or movie can connect with other people who feel the same way. That’s what a convention is: a lot of people who find some media content meaningful sharing their love and sometimes taking the chance to shake the hand of some of the people who helped create it.
In music they call it a concert. In sports they call it going to a game. Although for some reason in those spheres it lacks social stigma.
What’s my point? I’m not sure even I know. What I do know is rather than grimace at people who obsess over Battlestar Galactica or own music from every wizard rock band, I look upon them with respect and curiosity. I wonder what it is they connect to in their chosen world of escape. What are they missing in their own lives? What are their hopes, their fears, their desires, and how does their favorite show (movie/music/sport, etc.) play into that?
Because everyone has something they love. Something they turn to for entertainment, for escape and to find meaning. It’s only human. Religion is based on it. Social situations are based on it. Advertising has co-opted it, leaving us companies selling emotions rather than products. People like feeling meaningful, and they like feeling connected; as though they’re bigger than just themselves.
I know you’re all thinking “Duh!”
My point simply is that I’ve given up judging myself for spending hours of my life reading P/T fanfic. I haven’t stopped asking why I love it so much (then again, I’m pretty sure I already know the answer). And I haven’t stopped considering what other people find so compelling about the things they use to occupy their time. I’m not even saying every activity is the best possible activity for any given person at any given time. But sometimes it’s not harmful. Sometimes it’s down-right therapeutic. And sometimes the things a person just can’t get enough of say more about the person than how geeky they might be.
So, although for the time being I’ve run out of fanfic that draws my attention, I won’t feel bad if I stumble upon something in the future. And if at some point I feel compelled to write a little story of my own, I won’t cringe at my actions, I’ll applaud myself for actually getting up the courage to create something. And if someday someone wants to ramble on about an amazing book series or Lord of the Rings or whatever else they love I’ll smile and listen. It might be an insightful conversation. At the very least I might come across a new show to check out.
P.S. The fic that had me completely obsessed for about five days was the “Connect the Dots” series by Barbara. She only wrote 13 parts (each about 70 word-processor pages) that cover a good chunk of the third season, but they’re brilliant canon-consistent stories that fill in the gaps of my favorite Delta Quadrant couple.
Another favorite is “The Memory of You” by Maryann Hopson. It’s really more of a WWII romance with a Voyager episode as a point of departure. Totally adorable, but it’s missing an ending (and I didn’t know at the time–awkward!)
And although it’s not fiction, I’ve come to adore Jim’s episode recaps and reviews. Just snarky enough and filled with all sorts of interesting insights and perspectives. Worth a read, if you’re a fan, of course. (This post’s title was his handiwork)
