Thanks for reading.

• What is God’s will and how do I determine it?
• Where do I want to be in 10 years? What’s the best way to make that happen?
• Why am I considering the options I’m considering? In other words, why do I want what I want?
• What would make me truly happy? Will anything?

Throughout my thinking a number of ideas and philosophies have been popping in and out of my mind. Some examples;

• Maybe if you divide the choices by the amount of time you have the real “I” can emerge, depending on those choices…. You can’t figure out a person, definitely not yourself. You can’t maximize a life. What you can do is try and be honest in the choices that you make. Be true to yourself no matter how embarrassing those choices are. – Demetri Martin, “If I”
• Dream Huge! – Jennette McCurdy (all the time)
• If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children. You hurt me. You hurt the planet.You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite the Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter farther along its path back to God.Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It’s a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution.- Steven Pressfield in “The Art of War” (as quoted by the blog “Stuff Christians Like”
• The mildly talented person that tries, will always change the world more than the wildly talented person that doesn’t. – Jon Acuff (via his twitter)
• Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work… Fuck that…. You do what you love, and fuck the rest. – Dwayne in “Little Miss Sunshine”
• Say “yes.” In fact, say “yes” as often as you can…. You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what’s going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say “yes.” And if you’re lucky, you’ll find people who will say “yes” back.Now will saying “yes” get you in trouble at times? Will saying “yes” lead you to doing some foolish things? Yes it will. But don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes.” – Stephen Colbert Knox College Commencement Address

All of these point to living. Not sitting, not waiting, not planning for the next big thing, but actively living. Dreaming big, doing what you love to the best of your ability and saying “yes” when opportunities present themselves.

Then, there’s this: “The Value of myth is that it takes all the things you know and restores to them the rich significance which has been hidden by the veil of familiarity.” It’s a quote by C.S. Lewis in a review of The Lord of the Rings. It is my agreement with this sentiment that brings me to consider the themes and messages from the myths of our time. I once read that Tolkein said Lord of the Rings was ultimately about about the desire to live forever (and the destruction that can bring). Harry Potter echoes that sentiment. Myths also tell the story of a person who is called on a specific challenge that is much much larger than themselves and which they ultimately fulfill for the betterment of the world.

The little nuggets of wisdom and the general theme of myths are not that different, but where does that lead me?

When thinking about NYU I started getting paranoid and anxious about every dollar I spent. Ever dollar I spend now would be one less dollar for me to survive off of in NYC, one more dollar on a loan I’ll be paying back for years. Despite this concern I bought a vintage sewing machine (from 1959) at Goodwill for $20. The next day I got it to work and then had the desire to make something. Of course when I looked at fabrics or other sewing notions I just tensed up. Spending even $5 on a little bit of fabric is $5 I hadn’t previously budgeted for my living expenses. Therefore it’s $5 I can’t spend without serious consideration and possibility for regret. I started thinking that way quite seriously, and as I was facing a full week of freedom and thinking that I couldn’t even buy myself materials to make something with my new old-timey sewing machine I was getting seriously disappointed.

Then I started thinking that if I move to New York I won’t be able to take anything. I won’t be able to take my new sewing machine. Heck, even my knitting and crocheting would take up valuable space. And the odds of me being able to bring my cat? Not good, I’ll tell you that. And I adore my cat.

I was talking to my therapist about why I hadn’t sent in my NYU acceptance yet. I couldn’t really answer that. Then I started to realize that I’m afraid of being alone. I don’t want to accept it, because no one that’s important in my life is going with me. I mean that emotionally, of course. I feel like no one cares. Whatever I do, I’m on my own. Of course then I wondered if it was much different if I stick around, but I started wondering if the only reason I want to go to NYU is because I’ll be forced into situations with new people and maybe I won’t be alone anymore. If that’s so, that’s perhaps the stupidest reason to do anything, especially move to the most isolating city in the world. Of course, there’s also the notion that even if I am alone, at least I have a goal to lean on. You may ignore me, people but I’m getting a graduate degree. Maybe even a PhD! Yeah… that’s healthy.

And then I realized it isn’t either/or. My only options are not go on some great adventure in New York and take on thousands more dollars in debt OR suffer a sad and lonely fate of failure back here in the Twin Cities. There are a multitude of options. Maybe I get a job I don’t hate. Maybe I move into a nice little apartment of my own with my cat and my sewing machine and I am comfortable spending a few bucks here or there on dinner out, a new movie I’ve been waiting months to see, or some sewing supplies to make something useful all by myself. I can work on doing what I love to the best of my ability and see what opportunities might await me in my beloved state of Minnesota.

Staying in this state without a graduate degree doesn’t make me a failure. Struggling to make ends meet while earning a degree I’m not 100% sure I want or need could easily prevent me from living.

Often the question is asked; Should I apply to grad school? The answer is often to look at the people whose lives or careers you want. Do they have an advanced degree? Stephen Colbert doesn’t. Tina Fey doesn’t. I tend to say I need one because I don’t know what else I’d do with my life. But me going to grad school isn’t necessarily me doing what I should do with my life, it’s merely following a well-carved path because I’m terrified of forging my own.

I told a good friend of mine that one of the things I would find exciting about moving to New York would be to face my fears by moving to the scariest city I can imagine. Facing my fears would bring a lot of growth, I argued. Maybe I need to face my fears by “taking the road less travelled by.” I just wish I didn’t feel so alone on my trek.

Well, I did write a story. Although it’s not that little. It’s 11,500 words (which is roughly 40 double-spaced pages in Times New Roman font). It’s 15 chapters (although many of the chapters are really short). It’s based on iCarly, and although it occasionally references things common to the show (like spaghetti tacos or use of the word “nub”), you probably don’t need to know the show super well for the story to make sense.

You can read it by clicking on “Stuff I Wrote” above or you can read it at fanfiction.net by clicking here. It’s called “iTell My Life Story.”

I recently watched “If I,” a one-man comedy show written and performed by Demetri Martin. In it he talks about how he used to love doing word and logic puzzles because “it was a way to feel validated. You have definite questions and definite answers.” I feel like much of my life I’ve used little logic puzzles and things like that as a way to make me feel validated. I try to find quantifiable ways to measure my worth. Or I answer questions and try to help people out or do something that people will notice in the hopes that, well, they’ll notice me, and make me feel like I matter. Of course, they never fill the “void” or whatever that I’m always trying to fill, but those random activities do fill the time.

I didn’t write this story for that reason. At least, not initially. I wrote three pages (single-spaced) of notes and started working on this story one night after reading different people’s interpretations of what happened to the parents of the kids on iCarly. If you know me, you know I love a good story about a dead mom, and I can’t imagine all these parents went missing without at least a little bit of death, and I think that’s one of the reasons I ran with it.

I know iCarly is just a tween show which makes it “weird” for me to watch it. I also know it’s a comedy and the parents aren’t around because it’s easier to tell fun, kid-oriented stories. But it’s interesting to think about how they all ended up with pretty much 1 parent between the three of them, and for a girl with a dead mom like me, it was also kind of cathartic.

In the end it was far easier for me to write “Carly’s Story” than I thought it’d be. It was also far more difficult for me to write Sam’s or Freddie’s than I imagined. But I finished it. And while I’m excited to read people’s reviews, I’m trying not to get too caught up in the “validation” thing. I’m just proud of myself for accomplishing something, even if it’s something that would make a lot of people roll their eyes or laugh derisively.

At the end of “If I” Demetri Martin concludes that all his attempts to quantify his life were, essentially, worthless. “You can’t figure out a person, definitely not yourself. You can’t maximize a life. What you can do is try and be honest in the choices that you make. Be true to yourself no matter how embarassing those choices are.”  Well, writing fan fiction is, admittedly, a little embarassing for me, but it gave me “meaning, at least for now.” (as Demetri said about his comedy), and I’m proud of myself for it.

If somebody else enjoys it, that’s just icing.

That’s about all I’ve done. Sure, I spent a few hours finishing up a mid-year report for work, I’ve written a couple emails, ordered a GRE score report, read half of a book and cleaned my room, but those productive things shouldn’t take 24 hours. They take maybe 6 or 7. The rest was just wasted time.

It’s time I’ve wasted because I’m feeling alone. That’s usually when I start resorting to insane amounts of TV, especially when I watch the same things over and over again (3+ viewings of multiple episodes/YouTube fan vids). When para-social relationships become more prominent in my life than real ones I know I’m falling into a stupor. I’m feeling disconnected from the world and rather useless. I haven’t hung out with any friends for a while, and my first week of my afterschool class left much to be desired, and as I felt like I was running it on my own (on the second day) I took the failure more personally. It’s another one of those times when I’ve taken a risk–done something I’m really excited about and interested in–only to watch it fail to live up to any expectations I’ve had. It leads me to question if anyone wants me to do what I’m interested in doing with my life, or if I’m destined to live a lost, lonely and dissatisfied life. Ow. Of course I just keep telling myself to write and web design and do all these other things with my free time that I would like to do for a living, but I make excuses for myself and discourage myself by thinking about how no one really cares if I do anything, so what’s the point? It’s really a downward spiral of negative thinking.

As I write this I realize I don’t know what my purpose in writing this is. Feeling at least moderately productive, perhaps? Anyway, because this post already has no purpose I’ll just throw lengthy ramblings  about what I have been filling my time with.

I watched iCarly cuz my bestie from high school raved about it. I do love it. Parts of it concern me (I cringe every time they’re mean to a person for no good reason–on the internet [cyber-bullying, anyone?], and the fact that Sam’s blatant disrespect to everyone–including adults–is completely ignored… it doesn’t always set the best example), but despite my misgivings I find the characters amusing and endearing (I especially adore Spencer), the convergent/new media quality of it and the often witty or just pleasantly goofy humor. I’ve also become quite the Seddie shipper. Anyway in my initial googling of the characters and whatnot I discovered that Mr. Fredward Benson is played by a Christian kid (well, teen) who is more open about his faith than any performer I’ve seen outside of Kirk Cameron. The difference here is that this kid isn’t destroying America’s perceptions of Christians by telling everyone they’re going to hell and using bananas as proof that God created the universe (at least not publicly).

Well, I had been ignoring God as of late, so I took this little discovery as a wake-up call for my faith and up and went to church last Sunday. It was great. I went with my cousin who’s been hating on the Christian world lately. She loved it, too. We went to Woodland Hills whose senior pastor, Greg Boyd, wrote a book a couple years ago about why Christians aligning themselves with political ideology is destroying the church and America. I had wanted to read it back when I first started (sporadically) attending Woodland Hills, so on Sunday afternoon I bought it. It’s fantastic. A little redundant, but in a way that works. Thoughts are still forming, and I’m not done with the book yet, so I won’t write up a response quite yet, but as of yet I recommend “The Myth of a Christian Nation” to anyone that wants an interesting and scripture-based look at how Christians should approach aspects of the world (the book speaks mostly of politics, but I’m still thinking about how what he says could also apply to the Christian subculture).

Also stemming from my obsession with iCarly, I was checking out episodes of TV shows iCarly actors had been in, and in an old Law & Order: SVU featuring Jennette McCurdy (iCarly‘s Sam) as a young molestation victim I was super excited to find that the evil culprit was none other than Mr. Zach Gilford, Friday Night Lights‘ quarterback Matt Saracen. And this just one day after the (amazing) network premiere of FNL‘s third season. Hurrah for good television!

And speaking of Law & Order:SVU, star Chris Meloni starred in a Nickelodeon made-for-TV movie last fall called Gym Teacher: The Movie. I heard a ton about it from NoFactZone (the Stephen Colbert/Colbert Report fan blog) because the movie was directed by Paul Dinello and starred Amy Sedaris (two of Stephen’s closest friends and frequent collaborators). Anyway, I never got around to watching it last fall (but I remember thinking about it multiple times). Turns out the main kid in the movie was Nathan Kress (Freddie), and now I want to see it even more. I’m hoping Nick will re-run it in promotion of the DVD release in February.

Now, let’s see if there’s anything else pointless and wordy that I can add before I wrap this thing up…

Oh, random fact I read on an iCarly fan community blog: What’s the website shown on the computer in the opening credits as Freddie counts down from five before it switches to iCarly.com? Answer: HungryGirl.com, the diet website run by the wife of iCarly creator Dan Schneider (so that explains why Jerry Trainor is in all those YouTube Hungry Girl vids).

Okay. Anything else?

Well, I’m not thinking of anything, so I’ll call this thing done. Until next time…

P.S. I want to apologize for the TV obsessing. As I mentioned, it stems from my current emotional state and my tendency to withdraw from the outside world when I’m afraid of life. Hopefully I’ll be back to a less pathetic self soon.

I spent Tuesday through today at Camp Menogyn, a YMCA camp up in the boundary waters not far from Canada. The only available toilets were biffs, the weather ranged from -15 to +15, and I didn’t shower for four days.

I also cross-country skiied and hiked up a giant hill to one of the most amazing views I’ve seen in a long time. I hung out with a bunch of really fun sled dogs, I stacked wood, cleaned an oven, chiseled ice off of wooden stairs, did four puzzles and enjoyed four days without a computer or TV or iPod. Hell, I rarely knew what time it was. It was four days with ten really interesting people, three really great reflections, and a lot of me trying to make some adjustments to my attitude, my self-esteem, and the way I view my relationship to the world. I went away not totally excited about the prospect of limited indoor plumbing, but I came home refreshed, with some new perspective, and terrified that it will fade too soon.

In an attempt to keep the content optimism close at hand, here is a look back at the year that was and a look forward to the year that will be…

In 2008 I…

• Learned the basics of jazz improv and have forgotten most of it.
• Renewed my love for Star Trek and did a research project regarding Voyager‘s portrayal of religion.
• Graduated from an amazing university where I learned a lot about media, religion, television, web design, and, most importantly, myself.
• Said goodbye to some amazing friends who I miss dearly.
• Panicked about what to do with my life and how to get out of my parent’s house.
• Made some new amazing friends through my service with AmeriCorps.
• Learned that child homelessness is running rampant in our country, that Minneapolis has one of the biggest achievement gaps in the country, and that there’s a lot of problems with how public education is set up in this country. I also learned that I can do something about it. Anyone can do something about it. “Yes we can,” as the slogan says.
• Learned that not even a cold Northern Minnesota winter isn’t that cold as long as you’re dressed appropriately. And it can be amazingly beautiful.
• Lastly, in 2008 I’ve consistently wavered between overwhelming fear that my life is going nowhere and won’t ever go anywhere unless everything goes just as I plan, and a content understanding that life is a big, crazy journey, and you may end up places you never imagined, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Because in those unplanned detours you learn things, meet people, and have adventures that are just as amazing as the trip you had planned for yourself. The thing about life is you can’t really fail at it. You can only fail to be the person you want to be and the person you know you can be.

In 2009 I plan to…

• Exercise more. This means remembering that exercising is simply moving. That can mean jumping rope for five minutes, parking a little farther away, or running a 5k with a friend. I feel better when I exercise, I blow my mind when I complete a race and I have a ton of fun while I’m at it. There’s no better time in my life for me to work out like a fiend. And there’s nothing it can do but help me. Also, I’d like to run at least 2 5ks this year. And there’s a 10k in April that might be calling my name…
• Eat better. Planning meals in advance is good. As is not purchasing things I don’t really need to eat and will regret later. It also means eating smaller portions, eating a wider variety of foods, and feeling free to enjoy a good meal or good dessert every once in a while.
• Engage with life more. I need to spend more time doing things that matter and make a distinct difference and spend more time making waves, even in my own life. That can mean reading books rather than surfing the net, working on web sites instead of watching videos on YouTube, or writing and making music rather than watching whatever is on Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel.
• Focus on the positive. We ended the trip to Camp Menogyn by writing an affirmation to every other person on the trip on a giant piece of paper for them to take home. 5 people mentioned my TV knowledge and intellectualism. Another mentioned that I was a good conversationalist. My first reaction upon reading the affirmations was “Oh my goodness. I’m so obnoxious that people are commenting on my more annoying qualities in an attempt to draw attention to them so that I will be more conscious of those tendencies in the future. Ack!” And then I stopped myself. The correct response should have been “Wow. A lot of those qualities I’m very self-conscious about are some of the things that make me unique and interesting. And it’s nice to see that some of the things I appreciate about myself are also noticed by others as being assets to my character.” I tried to remind myself that these were affirmations. That I wasn’t trying to send people subliminal messages about what I thought about them. When I wrote affirmations I wrote honest positive things. Why would anyone else do otherwise.  When I got home I got an email of feedback from my supervisor who observed one of my tutoring sessions. The moment I caught myself getting nervous about it I opened it and read it. Feedback includes positives and negatives. And the negatives are always merely places to improve, not announcements of failure. I need to remind myself constantly that the world’s not out to get me, that I’m capable of far more than I give myself credit for, and that of all the fears I have, the worst one to see realized would be me shortchanging myself. It’s like what B’elanna’s friends say to her in “Barge of the Dead.” When she asks, “What to you want from me?” their response is “We only want you.” The best thing I can be for myself and others, is me.
• Focus on others. So often I spend so much time hating myself I don’t spend nearly enough time loving others. Conversely, if I would just focus more on how to help others and how to love them, I wouldn’t have nearly the same energy to concentrate on the things I hate about myself.
• Listen more. I tried to do this on my retreat, and I think my skills are improving. I don’t always have to say something. I don’t always have to top others’ stories, and I don’t need impress everyone with my knowledge. Other people can teach me a lot, and they like to be heard. I want to hear them more, and I want to work on my own humility.
• Be content and have faith. I so often feel that I’m not good enough. I haven’t travelled the world, my credentials aren’t mind-blowing, and I don’t really have amazing social skills. That doesn’t mean I’m not a great person with great potential. And it also doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. There is so much in my life to be grateful for (sledding down a hill in a foot of snow, cross-country skiing across a frozen lake, and doing a puzzle by a warm fire while drinking hot cocoa as the snow falls outside are examples of wonderul things not everyone gets to experience). I can’t always control where life takes me, but I can control my attitude and what I get from it. I want to find the good in the present, and be excited and unconcerned about what might come in the future.

I like quotes. Short little snippets of wisdom that one can take with them throughout life. I want to designate one to serve as reminder of what I want to see my life look like this year:

“Saying ‘yes’ begins things. Saying ‘yes’ is how things grow. Saying ‘yes’ leads to knowledge…. So say ‘yes.’ And if you’re lucky, you’ll find people who will say ‘yes’ back.”  -Stephen Colbert, Knox College Commencement Address, 2006.

May this year be amazing for all of us. May we take chances, hone discipline, and take time to appreciate the little things that make life amazing. May we all say “yes.” To ourselves, and the world. Yes we can, so let’s.

Of course, I’m also just good at wasting time without any attempted excuse at all. Like today. I really need to update my kids and urban culture blog, I need to apply to grad schools, I need to email professors and ask them for letters of rec and there’s a big pile of dishes downstairs that really need to be cleaned. So what did I do all day? Well, I did narrow down my list of grad schools to apply to and I started filling out some apps, but then I did this:

You can try to figure out what those are by yourself. Or you can ask. The point is, making wordles is not accomplishing any of the things I need to doing.

Nor is writing this blog. Here’s the thing, though. Looking through grad schools I’ve started thinking, which for me, is always much too time-consuming and involved. I started looking at the schools I had narrowed my list to (NYU, UMN, UW-Madison, and MIT) and I started asking myself if I want to go to grad school because I want to further my education or because I want to “appear” impressive. Seriously. I’ve ruled out tons of schools without even looking at their websites because of their locations (Kentucky, Missouri, etc.). If I were really interested in an education wouldn’t I at least care about their programs?

Then again, the fact that I’ve included the very un-impressive locales of UW-Madison and UMN make me think “appearances” may not be the only driving force in my decision. I just don’t want to spend my entire life chasing an idea of my perfect life rather than living something I love and enjoy. The thing is, I’m so good at arguing and debating I don’t even agree with myself. I don’t know what I think or want or feel because I can find way too many arguments on the other side. So, I don’t know what I want out of life. And when I think of what I want my life to look like in 10 years I have a vision that looks like it belongs in an issue of “Real Simple.” Is that because that’s what I want, or because I want people to look at me and think, “Wow, she’s got it together!”?

Although, I feel these concerns may be common among the general population, so maybe I shouldn’t think about it too much.

So instead I think about why I can’t seem to be very productive. I don’t update my hours regularly for work, I can motivate myself to write things about urban culture for my blog (that, really, no one reads), and why I’m so unmotivated to actually take care of grad school apps. I think it all comes down to the fact that I feel generally unimportant and incredibly uncertain. I’m just in a serious funk. I think much of it revolves around the fact that I live at home. With my parents. I have to worry about doing dishes constantly so I don’t get yelled at. I don’t really feel at home in my house because I’m positive my step-mom doesn’t want me here and I can’t live too independently because I have a lonely dad that I don’t want to disappoint. There are all these things I never had to think of in LA. In LA, it was just me. I had roommates, but they were all independents themselves. It’s so much easier. So much less stressful.

In LA when I didn’t work out it was because I was lazy. Now it’s because I don’t want to make my dad sad. In LA I went grocery shopping my way. Now I don’t have anywhere to put groceries, so I just eat whatever my parents happen to have lying around or I eat out. Not the healthiest.

When I was in school I had specific deadlines that influenced my grade. Now, if I don’t update my hours every day, I’m the only one that suffers trying to remember back that far. And frankly, I don’t really like myself enough to care if I cause myself more trouble.

Basically what it comes down to is that I need to learn some discipline and self-respect and find some self-motivation rather than looking for whatever the hell I’m looking for from others. That’s something I’ve never really had to worry about before, so it’s driving me nuts. And leading me to decide I need excessive amounts of down-time. *sigh*

Don’t worry. I haven’t turned into an Obama-phile or anything (do Obama fans have a nickname? Because with the level of fanatacism of some of his followers, they sure deserve one). That’s not to say I don’t like Obama. It’s just that I like to avoid issues of politics. I mean, I’m gonna vote, but I’m not so positively absolutely sure about any political party or person that I feel the need to try to sway other people’s vote.

That doesn’t mean I don’t find it fascinating to watch the whole game play out.

This is a big election with a lot of hot button issues. Add to that the fact that the increasing advancement and prevalence of technology give anyone easy access to share their opinions and this election has been quite interesting. The part that most interests me is the celebrity videos.

There’s the one I posted at the top that was shown in my Comm 306 class. The teacher said it was because of the interesting nature of the video–tons of celebrities getting together without any financial reward and without any encouragement from Obama himself–but I think it was just because my prof loved Obama and he wanted his students to follow suit.

I do have to admit, however, that it is a great video. The song/spoken word thing, the mostly black-and-white look, everything comes together very nicely. It’s incredibly inspirational. It does a good job at doing what it (most likely) set out to do and that is brand Obama as a guy who can create good, lasting change and associate him with good old-fashioned American democracy and social equality and progress. They brand him as positive and they do a damn good job.

Of course, it’s also a bunch of celebrities potentially abusing their status as public figures to sway votes. Is that really their place? Probably not. But they’re still damn good at it.

What I find ineteresting, however, is how widespread this trend is. I mean, even Ron Howard is hitching a ride on the Obama wagon.

I love Ron Howard, but even I don’t want to see him without a shirt. Regardless, I found the video amusing. I also found it a little surprising that even Opie’s getting involved in politics. Really? Really? I guess I just wonder who these people are trying to influence. And are people really going to be swayed to Obama’s side because The Fonz thinks he’s awesome? And is that even good? For people to cast their vote on behalf of their favorite celebrity without having any true understanding of the issues?

Then there’s one of my favorites. I’ve rediscovered my year old love for The Naked Brothers Band and I discovered that lead singer/songwriter Nat Wolff has written a song called “Yes We Can.” (Guess what it’s about…).

Apparently Natasha Bedingfield joined him on vocals. I don’t know when it was recorded, and this video was a fan compilation, but there are live performances on YouTube, and Nat clearly states that he wrote it and it apperas from the video that Natasha Bedingfield guest starred in a yet-to-be-aired holiday episode of The Naked Brothers Band, but the rest of how it came to be is a mystery (as is the question of whether the bracelet Nat is wearing in a number of pictures is indeed a wriststrong bracelet). Nevertheless, I find the song endlessly interesting considering it features Nat (and probably his little brother Alex on drums), both of whom are far too young to vote, as well as a British, aka non-citizen, pop-star. You know an election is charged when even the chillins and foreigners are producing politically charged media content.

The thing I find most interesting of all the campaigning and celebrity involvement is the difference between the official TV ads and politician-endorsed stuff versus the stuff created by celebs. While the politicians themselves are smearing each other at every opportunity, bickering about each others policies without ever really saying anything other than their pre-approved catchphrases (“maverick,” “change,” etc.), the singers/songwriters and actors and directors of the world are putting together primarily positive, inspirational ads that serve to associate the candidates (well, Barack, at least) with pleasant images and feelings without overtly criticizing the opponent.

I’m reminded of a video I watched about advertising in my Communication as a Social Science class. According to the video, politicial ads have degraded to the point where their only goal is to convince undecided voters not to vote. I guess the idea is that people will be so turned off by the negative campaigning as well as the horrible things that are stated in the attack ads, that they’ll just choose to ignore it all together and not vote. What the celebs are doing is completely contradictory. They’re inspiring people, making them believe they can help make a difference, they’re illustrating not how some politician is going to single-handedly destroy our country, but how a different one can change our country, and the world, for the better.

I don’t know how I feel about celebs using their power in such a way. I don’t know if it’s best for America, and I hope that the people that are inspired by such videos take at least a little time to see if they have more reason to support the candidate than because the star of their favorite show or movie likes him. Of course, it’s not like campaign ads (or even debates these days) give any more of a clear picture of the candidates, so maybe it’s not all bad.

Regardless of what it means for the future of our country, though, I think I’d rather see positive, well-made ads by talented and passionate people than the negative depressing crap put together by the actual campaigns.

But if you still need a break from all the politicking that will continue between now and Nov. 4 feel free to enjoy my favorite commercial to come out of the season. From WCCO:

I needed a sweatshirt I left in my friend’s car and I texted her to see if there was a time in the next couple of days we could meet so I could get it back. Well, she was meeting our friend Justin for coffee at 6:15 a half hour away. I decided to join them. The plan was to get the sweatshirt, chat for about 45 minutes, get out of there at 7, home by 7:30, study until 10, hop into bed and call it a long and fulfilling day. In actuality, I stayed to chat until the Caribou closed and we were kicked out. The topic of conversation: Calivinism and the nature of Christian salvation.

I don’t know how the discussion started. I’ve never been a fan of Calvinism, but my good friend Justin (a Bible studies major) understands it to be the only scriptural explanation of salvation. To me it feels like it makes me an unwilling–and thus unmattering–pawn in God’s cosmic game of chess. Justin finds it comforting and inspiring. It was an interesting discussion, and I loved having the opportunity to have a real, serious conversation about something more involved than multiplication. It doesn’t often happen with 5th graders. He didn’t convert me to Calivinism, but he brought up a few interesting points, or explained things in a way I’d never heard before. In answer to a question I know longer remember Justin pointed out how blessed we are to see God work in the ways he does in our lifetime.  The specifics escape me, but it got me thinking.

I get excited about new things in TV, or a new hit that I discovered first, or any new advancement or change in anything in entertainment and media. I get excited because I saw it. I touched it by being alive at the same time, by introducing someone else to it and seeing their joy. I loved my time at Grace Fellowship because I felt that close to God. I saw how my life fit into God’s plan, and it was comforting and exciting to look back and notice all the chance happenings and events that led me to where I was: at peace in Christ’s love. When Calvinism was shoved down my throat by my youth pastor, I stopped feeling that way. At the same time I was being shoved to the perimter of the church. My one good friend there started moving into the inner circle; making friends more involved than me. I was somehow left out.

While talking to Justin I suggested that people’s understanding of salvation is based on their own personal experiences and the way they see life. I think when it comes to Calvinism vs. Armenianism, people tend to lean towards the one that provides them comfort based on where they’re coming from personally. I had some thoughts about how that applies to my life while arguing the point to Justin, but it occurs to me now that I’m so concerned because I have so seldom been chosen.

According to Calvinism, some are chosen and some are not. There are the lucky elect and the rest go straight to the cosmic oven. My big concern is that I’m not one of the elect. I’m not one of the blessed people that God has chosen to glorify him and welcome into his heavenly home. There’s no way for me to know I’m not just playing the part. How much do you need to believe it for it to stick? And even if you think salvation has “stuck” for you, how do you even know if you’re one of the chosen. As far as I’m concerned I’ll live my entire life as a well-intentioned tortured Christian and then find myself to be one of the damned and spend an eternity in hell knowing there was a better alternative and knowing there’s nothing I can (or could have) done about it, because it was all pre-ordained by God.

If I felt like I mattered, or I was choose-worthy, I don’t think it would bug me as much, but when I look back at my life I see a series of rejections, of awkward moments: being picked last for sports in gym, being the one left without a partner in classes when we’re asked to group up, being ditched at ValleyFair on the annual field trip, being pushed to the edges of the church social scene.

The only times I’m chosen are when I work at it. I got into college because I did all my homework, I paid attention in class, and I filled out an application. I was chosen to be in the “good” band, because I practiced clarinet, I played well, and I was recognized for it. On the whole, when it comes down to me as a person, not just my skills or ability to regurgitate an answer, but my real, complete self, more often than not I have experienced rejection and exclusion.

When I feel like the whole world looks at me like someone that doesn’t matter save for the occasional spell check, it’s hard for me to fathom that the most powerful being–the Creator of the Universe; the Alpha Omega; the Big Guy Upstairs–could see me as anything different. That out of all the millions of people in the world, He would choose me. I can’t wrap my head around that one.

While talking to Justin I also got thinking about the show How I Met Your Mother. We were talking about God’s prescience and how he already knows who I’m going to marry, and Ted’s long involved story to his children in the future came to mind. If you don’t know the premise of HIMYM, basically it’s this guy in the year 2032 or something explaining to his kids how he met their mother. The story of the show, Ted’s adventures to find a wife, take place in present day New York. Basically what we see as viewers has already happened. We know there’s a happy ending, because if there wasn’t there would be no story to tell. What we don’t know is how the long twisted tale that’s lasting at least four seasons will lead to Ted finding his dream woman. It’s the closest illustration I could come up with to understand what Justin was saying about how predestination can be true and not be so fatalistic and depressing.

I think predestination is a lot like HIMYM. As viewers, we know Ted wasn’t going to marry Stella (it would have ended the show three episodes into the season) but we didn’t know how it would come to a close. Just like we knew he wouldn’t end up with Robin, but I still got excited when he made it rain for her. I think watching that show is a little what it’s like to live in a preordained world. I know there’s going to be a happy ending, but I don’t know how it’s going to happen. I don’t know what crazy adventures will lead me to the end of my story, and I don’t know all the new and exciting things I’ll learn along the way. The story of my life (just like the story of Ted’s) is already written, but I (like Ted) get to enjoy the adventure of watching the tale unfold from inside the story itself. Sometimes I may get frustrated with the hoops I have to jump through, the disappointments, the uncertainty, but at the end it will all be worth it.

At the end of the latest episode of HIMYM, with Ted mere hours away from marrying a woman with a six-year-old daughter and moving out to New Jersey his ex-girlfriend, Robin, gave an impassioned speech asking him to not get married;

You’re rushing into this. It’s like you’re tryng to skip ahead to the end of the book. Ted, you’re the most romantic guy I know. You stole a blue french horn for me. You tried to make it rain [...] but after all that this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end? You’re just disappearing into someone else’s wedding, someone else’s house, someone else’s life without a second thought. That’s not the amazing ending that you deserve. That’s not Ted Mosby.

I feel like in faith I might be trying to “skip ahead to the end of the book.” I’m trying to determine what God has in store for me. I’m trying to play the person that I think God wants me to be, that I think people want me to be, that I think a good Christian is, without letting my own real, authentic story play out. I’m trying to fit into whatever mold I think I should fit into rather than sitting back and letting God show me a life and an ending that’s far more amazing than I could ever create or envision for myself. I don’t know how exactly that fits into salvation, but I think it does. Rather than worrying about how salvation works, how God chooses the elect, why some are lucky and others aren’t. Rather than try to fathom the unfathomable, I need to just relax and feel blessed by God and be grateful to Him that I’m so honored to live out my story.

I know I shouldn’t have asked. I said I wouldn’t be offended, and I almost believed it, too, but I should have known.

I’m a 5.

She’s a 7, that other woman, oh, she’s a 6 or a 7, at least.

I’m a 5.

I know I have screwed up, yellowish teeth (although they’re exceptionally healthy), my eyes are too close together, too deepset, and too small. You could project a powerpoint presentation on my forehead. My skin is splotchy, my pores are huge. And that’s just talking about above my neck. Still, I hoped. But, no.

I’m a 5.

Of course, at the time we were just assessing physical appearance. But then I started to think how I might rank in other categories. Take intelligence, for example. I can tie my shoes and recite the alphabet, but I’m no Einstein: 5. Emotionally and mentally, I’m not murdering anyone or whiling away time in a nuthouse, but I’m also not the poster child for well-being: 5. Really, in a lot of respects, I’m a 5.

If I had to pick a word that would correspond to the number, it would have to be “fine.” Something that’s a 5 isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. It’s fine. Unassuming, under the radar, middle-of-the-road. Fine. Yesterday I rambled on about how the guy I went on a date with last night was “fine.” I said I was hoping for more. Imagined more for my life, my future. But how can I ask for more when we’re in the exact same league. We’re both “fine.”

I wonder how much it would cost to fix my teeth. If my natural charm and “beauty” only leaves me as a 5, maybe I can use some artificial means to bump me up a number or two.

I’ve always bought into (in certain regards) the conservative Christian idea that all women, deep down, just want to be told they’re beautiful. I realized tonight, it doesn’t matter if I ever hear it, because there’s no way I’ll ever believe it.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so logical and calculative. And sometimes I wish I’d know when to stop asking questions to which I don’t want to hear the answers.

My thoughts tonight brought to mind a fanvid I saw a while ago.

I know, I’m a geek. But I also don’t own a replica of Voyager or the complete action figure collection, so really, I’m only a 5.

On a happier note, I came home to discover a bag full of Simon & Garfunkel and Monkees singles records as well as a major portion of The Monkees trading cards. I assume they’re for me. I quite enjoyed it. I think I’ll listen to them tomorrow.

Then I checked my email and discovered my good, Utah-dwelling friend sent me a facebook message. It actually made my day.

Apparently there are a couple people out there who think I’m more than “fine.” Too bad I don’t want to date either of them.

I don’t know. Maybe they both work. You be the judge.

So tonight I had my first date ever. That’s right, I will never have to say I’m a 23 year-old who’s never gotten a date, which, really, was all I was hoping to accomplish by participating in the endeavor.

So how was it, you may be wondering. Well… it was fine. I really don’t know how else to say it. The guy was fine. He was nice, a fine conversationalist, has ambitions and a steady job. He’s not highly attractive, but he’s not ugly, either. He’s just… fine

We went to dinner at Olive Garden and then got some dessert at Baker’s Square. I wondered if it was a good idea of me to offer to continue the date seeing as how I don’t anticipate much of a future, but I felt like I wanted to talk more, and dessert seemed like the most innocuous way to do that. I think I like the attention. I like that someone will listen to me ramble and joke and geek out and kinda enjoy it (and I did all three in great abundance tonight–not that he was always even feigning interest). In other words, I like the idea that a guy would be willing to date me. Yeah, I know… a product of low self-esteem. He asked me if it would be okay if he called me again. I said yes. It would be okay. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with him again, but I don’t see a relationship developing. Of course then emerges the ever-present fear that I’m being too picky. I hope I’m not.

But now I’m scared. He’s going to call. It’ll be about a week (he has a family vacation), but he’s going to call. And at that point I feel like I’m going to have to explain that I don’t think he’s what I’m looking for. That although he’s sweet and polite and an all-around fine guy I don’t see a future, and I’d love to hang out again, but he shouldn’t get his hopes up. But if I tell him there’s no future, what’s the point of him hanging around with me? So really, I’m just dragging out the dumping.

He paid. That also makes me feel awkward. I feel like I owe him. I know, that’s not true, but…. well, I feel an obligation to not completely trash his heart. As if I even know where his heart is. *sigh*

So where does the mom come in?

Last night I cried. Why? Let me set the stage. I ate dinner with my dad. When I finished eating, I was watching Everybody Loves Raymond and I noticed my dad was staring at me. “What?” I inquired. “Just the way you’re sitting, and when you have your hair like that, you just look so much like your mother.” Okay, so he’s said stuff like that before, but I feel the older I get the more he informs me of the resemblance. It’s fair. I’m now the age she was when they were a couple. Thus, I look more like her now than I ever have, or probably ever will, as far as my father’s concerned. I shrugged then turned back to the TV.

A couple hours later I watched Juno. Have you seen Juno? There’s a woman who’s wanted nothing more than to be a mother, and there’s a teenage mother who cares enough to give up her child to someone who can be a better mother. I know, the movie’s not so much about motherhood, per se, but bear with me.

Later that night I was having trouble sleeping, so I decided to put on an episode of Voyager (TV, especially TV I’ve seen before, tends to make me doze off more easily). I picked one of my favorites: “Lineage.” In the episode B’elanna Torres and Tom Paris learn they’re about to have a baby. When they see a holographic projection of what the baby will look like a few months after it’s born, they see the forehead ridges and curly hair that feature prominently despite the baby being only 1/4 Klingon. B’elanna (the 1/2 Klingon) looks dismayed. Tom, on the other hand, is in awe of his unborn daughter. “She’s beautiful.” He takes a step closer to B’elanna and puts his hands on her shoulders from behind. “Oh, she looks just like her mother.” The close-up on a consternated B’elanna fades into a flashback. A twelve year-old B’elanna sits across a campfire from her (human) father who tells her, “You are so much like your mother.” The young B’elanna looks as unsure of how to take the comment as I always am. Luckily, it quickly flashes back to present day and then fades to commercial.

We learn later B’elanna’s freaked out, because she always assumed her dad left her at such a young age because he couldn’t stand living with two Klingons and she’s afraid Tom will have the same trouble leading to similar results. She’s so terrified that she reprograms the doctor so he’ll genetically engineer the fetus to remove any Klingon DNA. Luckily, Tom catches on to her little ploy just in time to save his wife from making a mistake she would regret and for which he would most definitely resent her. She cries, he hugs her. She apologizes to the Doctor by making him the godfather and they live happily ever after. B’elanna’s angst is not what’s important here, though. It was that early scene that made me cry.

I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, and somehow those three things: my dad’s comment, Juno, and that scene from “Lineage” formed together into a cyclone of tears. Okay, that was a much lamer metaphor than I was shooting for. So maybe I can’t paint you a picture. My point is, it got to me, and I started crying. Then, I realized I was alone, and I started wondering what’s the point. You know that rhetorical question “if a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?”? Well, some part of me wonders if the same can be said of crying. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with annoyance that after 20 years, I still haven’t gotten over my mom’s death, and I started realizing how incredibly sick I am of feeling alone.

And then I thought about how today I would be going out with a guy I’m not really into. Suffice it to say, I found it no easier to doze off.

I don’t have a nice little way to tie this all together. I don’t know what my mom issues have to do with my desire for a guy. Well, maybe I do. Moms help guide their daughters into womanhood. They go shopping with them, talk about boys, etc., etc. (I know, this isn’t true of everyone, but I’m talking about my twisted perceptions as a motherless whiner who’s watched too much TV). I never had that. Now, as I’m looking for a guy, well, I’m jumping into the world of relationships without any advice or stories from a woman who’s been through it all before. I’m thinking about my (eventual) future as a mother knowing I won’t have someone to talk to about it it. And the more I think about that, the more I’m pissed off my mother didn’t leave me with so much as a note saying “Love ya, baby!” Seriously. I got nadda. Nothing from a woman who knew she’d be dead before I started school. I guess my point is, my angst is bubbling to the surface just waiting for me to sort through it. Well, I guess I that gives me a project for the summer.

In other news: Today I told my dad my date’s list of favorite shows. My dad listened to the selections and said, “Well, you know there’s no future right there.” I smiled. My dad get’s me. It’s just nice to hear from someone who supports my assumption that I can learn a lot about a guy and his potential compatibility with me based on such a simple and (somewhat) shallow question. He then suggested I write a book about dating and television. Stuff like what you can learn about a person based on their favorite shows, characters and the like. Haha. Just the kinda thing I’d find quite enjoyable.

Additionally: While I wasn’t fretting about tonight’s date and catching up on sleep after last night’s insomnia, I was stumbling upon an old episode of the 1985 version of The Twilight Zone, featuring none other than my beloved Tom Paris.

Despite my fear of The Twilight Zone (yes, I’m that much of a wuss), I couldn’t pass up the chance to see a young Robert Duncan McNeill. Luckily, the episode is more of a fantastical yet (cheesily) adorable love story than a nightmare. Plus, the 20 year-old McNeill dons the most ridiculous (yet very ’80s) pair of giant-rimmed glasses. And his delivery during the first scene when he’s sick totally reminds me of the faux-ill Matthew Broderick in the early scenes of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off a year later. I know pretty much no one will watch it, but it’s really not that bad, and sweet in its own way. So, if you’re ever bored… (just a warning, though… this part is 1/4. Just click on the embedded video to lead you to YouTube and the other three parts).

And because I’m a total geek, I’ll also post this little vid.

It’s the very end of the above posted Twilight Zone episode. I’m throwing it up here, because the voice-over is different. The tone is a little more jovial and the timing’s different. I assume this one was how it originally aired (because it seems to have come from a VHS recording) and above is the DVD release(?), but I don’t know why exactly they’d change just the narration. Not a very exciting thing to blog about, I know, but just the kind of thing that I find endlessly entertaining. Enjoy.